so for real, it’s been a time. 2020, incase you haven’t noticed, has been a veritable shit show of epic proportions. we’re in the midst of a global pandemic (yep. pandemic. like a legit outbreak type situation). we’ve been working from home since march. we’re masked when we go out. there are all sorts ofContinue reading “holy crow”
Author Archives: Martii
performance anxiety
i deal with a lot of anxiety when it comes to what i do. last night was another burlesque performance. it went well – but i wanted to vomit for the whole time. i had two numbers: one with my rubenesque troupe (all my plus size ladies) and then one with the broadway folx. andContinue reading “performance anxiety”
a tummy ache in your courage…
So we’re watching The Simpsons (as one does) and Lisa is all freaked out about Halloween – and Marge describes it to Bart as her having “a tummy ache in her courage”. Yep, that’s me – all the time. That’s a good metaphor for the anxiety – it’s a tummy ache in my courage. It’sContinue reading “a tummy ache in your courage…”
who said you can’t go home?
I struggle a lot with impostor syndrome. No matter how hard I try, it infiltrates everything I do – everything I write personally, academically or professionally (hi, there’s a reason I haven’t written a blog post in about two years). It makes me doubt myself at work. It makes me worry about my interpersonal relationshipsContinue reading “who said you can’t go home?”
what im thankful for
this year has been strange. to say the least. so as i sit here after dinner and everything, i think back on the year it’s been. i mean, it’s been good – but the bad has been really hard. let’s take stock: finished my first year of grad school did a few storytelling things endedContinue reading “what im thankful for”
the trouble with discomfort
the world is an incredibly uncomfortable place to navigate. i’d like it to go back to something else. the last month has been a veritable shit show. hurricane harvey. then irma. then maria. devistation across texas. florida. barbuda. puerto rico. earthquakes in mexico. then came what is being called the largest mass shooting in contemporary american history.Continue reading “the trouble with discomfort”
warning, this is a self indulgent whine. so you know, nothing new.
i’m having a rough time with the eating. this is bad. i spent a lot of time in treatment this summer, and eating has to happen for me. i’m trying so hard, and i feel like i’m failing so hard. i’ve been fighting a headache all day, and when i don’t feel well, eating isContinue reading “warning, this is a self indulgent whine. so you know, nothing new.”
every new beginning…
It’s been an oddly transitory week. Friday marked my last day in php/iop. Insurance thought I’d made enough progress to be done, and rather than prolong the inevitable and going the self-pay route, I decided that stepping down was the move for me. So I said goodbye to Josh and the rest of my familyContinue reading “every new beginning…”
a new day
Uncertainty is an odd thing, ladies and gentlemen. I don’t deal well with not knowing things. Not in a ‘I need to be the smartest person in the room’ way, but in the, ‘OMG they’re looking at me, what are they thinking’ way and the ‘Oh shit – I have the short memory of aContinue reading “a new day”
Well… that happened
It’s been a while. I know. That sounds incredibly reductive. But, it’s true. It’s been a while. Let’s do the readers digest version of a catch up, shall we? The last time I updated, I was in Oconomowoc Wisconsin, breathing the vaguely country air and trying to get myself back together. That was July. It’sContinue reading “Well… that happened”
it's a delicate struggle 