performance anxiety

i deal with a lot of anxiety when it comes to what i do.

last night was another burlesque performance. it went well – but i wanted to vomit for the whole time. i had two numbers: one with my rubenesque troupe (all my plus size ladies) and then one with the broadway folx. and they went… okay. yes, there are a million things i would’ve done differently- starting with costuming and ending with singing louder, but it’s too late now.

which is a huge thing for me.

there was no over thinking. i went out there, did my rubenesque performance (forgot a bunch of steps). they screwed up the music, so there was a weird hiccup with our false exit.

usually, that would’ve sent me into a spiral. it didn’t go right, everything was wrong, it would’ve sent me spinning for ages. but i didn’t have time to think about it. i had less than 4 minutes to change costumes, take my fake ponytail out, touch up my makeup and get back out there. to sing. in a room full of people.

i used to sing all the time. then i got very self conscious about it. i don’t even really like doing karaoke anymore – because i over think it. i’m afraid of sounding bad, so i agonize over song choice… to the point that i never pick a song and actually sing it. so singing – with people who are actually trained actors/vocalists, was really daunting to me.

but i did it. one foot in front of the other.


Published by Martii

sometimes wordy, often intermittent. insight into my day to day.

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