Well… that happened

It’s been a while.

I know. That sounds incredibly reductive. But, it’s true. It’s been a while. Let’s do the readers digest version of a catch up, shall we? The last time I updated, I was in Oconomowoc Wisconsin, breathing the vaguely country air and trying to get myself back together.  That was July. It’s now almost September. I’ve been home for about a month.

Since I came home, I lost my job at NEIU. It was no one’s fault, layoffs came and someone with more seniority bumped me out of my position. I actually found out in the car on the way home. The morning I woke up in my own bed, there was a certified letter from the university saying that because of reduction in workforce, I was being let go.

I started partial hospitalization (it’s a day program- sixish hours). I’ve been stepped down to what’s known as an intensive outpatient (same deal, only three hours a day). It’s all been an adjustment. A lot of who I am is wrapped up in other people (let me rephrase that. a lot of how I tend to think of myself is tied into who I am to other people, what I do for work) – now that I don’t have a job to identify as, I’m feeling really sort of lost. I’m floundering.

I’m still working on me. This week feels like it’s been a shit show. I came the closest I’ve been to a binge in almost 2 months. I threw the meal plan out the window and went back to eating so I wouldn’t have to feel things. There’s been a lot more crying (shout out to my therapist, Josh – who gets to watch me cry just about every day). People think I’m on some kind of vacation – I’m not “working”, I just go to therapy every day. But this is hard. Every day this is hard. Some of these days are harder than others. Today has been ridiculously hard and if I had it my way, I would’ve just gone back to bed and called a re-do. Or I would’ve gone through a few drive throughs and eaten it all.

Instead, I’m sitting in my living room writing. I took the dogs for a short walk earlier. I did some reading for class. Right now,  I’m wishing I could take a nap, but I know that won’t help anyone, especially me. And I’m trying to help me.

So I’m still here.



Published by Martii

sometimes wordy, often intermittent. insight into my day to day.

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